HYPERBOLE

12 Angry Twitterers

[Many of you lovely followers requested the transcript of my fictional experience trapped in the Oscar nominated film #12AngryMen. Here are the tweets… in order… all the way to the surprising verdict. Enjoy!]

*Disclaimer: This is NOT real. Please stop calling me, LA Courthouse!

—————————————————————————————-

We were just given our instructions from the judge and we’re all shuffling into the jury deliberation room. Home stretch!

The room is plain. Old conference table. Bunch of chairs. Windows overlooking the downtown skyline. No one said justice was stylish.

Right now, no one’s talking about the case. Everyone’s just sulking. I’m going to try my best to live-tweet this deliberation.

I’m Juror #12, by the way. 12 of 12. Yep, that is how fucking close I got to NOT being stuck on this stupid case.

I should have said I was an alien. Or a racist. Or a racist alien. But you know what they say about hindsight being 20/20…

Okay, so, a few of the jurors are saying that this case is “open-and-shut.”  Don’t jinx it, ya idiots!

One dude’s complaining cuz he has tickets to the baseball game tonight. Relax, we’ll be outta here in an hour!

Our jury foreman just called this room to order. Finally!

So we’re gonna do a show-of-hands thing to see who thinks the defendant is guilty or not. Spoiler: he’s guilty.

Fuck! Eleven of us raised our hands for “Guilty.” One stupid guy across the table is holding out. Boy, oh boy, there’s always one.

We all want to get out of here at a reasonable hour, and this one guy wants us to look at the evidence again. FANTASTIC! 

The lone hold-out just admitted that even HE thinks the kid seems guilty.

Apparently, he wants to spend more than five minutes deliberating someone’s life. Noble much?

Two of the other jurors are arguing now. One dipshit has really got a handle on how to come across like a backwoods, bigoted racist.

We are getting nowhere. 

I just suggested since 11 of us think the kid’s guilty, we should go around the table and each explain why WE’RE right and Juror #8 is WRONG.

This should work.

Oh, wonderful. Juror #2’s reason is “I just think he’s guilty.” Thanks, moron, you’re a real Johnny Cochran.

Juror #3 just keeps repeating, “These are the facts, you can’t refute the facts.”  Very convincing, idiot.

This is a disaster. Why did I think that would work…

Now we’re talking about the murder weapon again. Is it bad that I’m tweeting about all this? I do feel kinda guilty. 

For those who’ve asked, the weapon was unique-looking switchblade.

So sorry, I can’t take any more questions because I’m trying to tweet while appearing focused on the deliberations.

Juror #8 just asked the bailiff to bring the knife back into the room so we can examine it again. We’ve been OVER THIS, man!

IS THAT LEGAL? They’re seriously gonna leave us alone in here with A KNIFE?! 

They did it. They brought us the knife. That’s weird, right? We’re not allowed to read police reports, but we can “examine” a switchblade!?

I hope no one gets stabbed.

For those who care: the knife’s got this carved handle and witnesses said it belonged to the defendant, so… GUILTY, am I right?

Juror #8 is posing the possibility that someone ELSE killed the victim with a similar looking knife… Hey, Genius, the knife’s unique!

HOLY FUCK! Juror #8 just pulled an IDENTICAL KNIFE from his coat and STABBED IT INTO THE FUCKING TABLE!

How the hell did this guy get through the court’s metal detectors this morning?! 

It’s chaos in here. Everyone’s shouting. 

Juror #8 just told us he bought the knife in pawn shop near where the murder happened. CAN YOU DO THAT?!

The judge totally told us NOT TO DO ANY INVESTIGATING ON OUR OWN. This clown is a regular Nancy Drew.

He’s saying anyone could have bought a knife like this. All I can think is: since when can A JUROR introduce new evidence?!

This is a nightmare. I have never been on a jury this insane. My god…

Just realized, there are no women on this jury. WTF?

Juror #8 just made us an offer. Wanna hear it?

We do a secret vote and he’ll sit out. If we end up w/ 11 guilty votes again, he’ll change his mind to guilty too. 

FINALLY SOMEONE’S MAKING SENSE! Phew! We will be outta here in no time. 

UNBELIEVABLE!  UN-FUCKING-BELIEVABLE!  

ONE PERSON CHANGED THEIR VOTE TO “NOT GUILTY”  AARRGH!  

Of course, it was the old timer. He wants to hear more. Sure, what else do you have to do, grandpa? Watch SIXTY MINUTES?

Sigh. I am so annoyed. 

The other jurors are rehashing the testimony of the female witness while I spend some quality time in my “happy place.” 

Juror #8 is on fire. In less than ten minutes, he has managed to discredit the female eye-witness. Super! Now we’re never getting out of here.

And another juror just changed his vote to “Not Guilty.” You’ve gotta be kidding me!?

We’re taking ANOTHER show-of-hands. 

Big surprise, we lost another one. Now it’s 8 of us for “Guilty” and 4 for “Not Guilty.”

Trying to keep my spirits up. Now Juror #8 has an issue with the older male witness. We’re seriously over-analyzing this fucking thing, people.

I just glared at the juror who said this case was gonna be “open-and-shut” and said, “This is all your fucking fault, big mouth.” 

The bailiff is bringing in a giant cardboard diagram of the old male witness’s apartment.  Who had time to make that!?

Juror #8 has decided to imitate the old witnesses’ limp for us. Sure, make fun of the guy who HAD A STROKE LAST YEAR! Douche.

Oh, I see. He’s saying there’s no way the old man could have made it from his bedroom to the door is 15 seconds with that limp.

Did you really to act the whole thing out for us? You going for an Oscar nomination?

Juror #8 and Juror #3 are screaming at each other now. This is productive. 

Juror #3 just screamed “I’ll kill him!” and lunged at Juror #8!! 

Where’s the stupid bailiff!? Does he only show up when we need an handmade apartment blueprint?!

We got everyone calmed down. Seeing as how there are TWO KNIVES in this room, I’m surprised nobody’s bleeding.

Taking another secret vote. Yippee.

6 to 6 now. “Even Steven” as they say.

Juror #10 thinks the votes changed because “you think too much - you get mixed up.” 

Gross, now I’m embarrassed he and I are voting the same way. Ugh.

It’s almost 4PM - when the courts close.  Looks like we’ll have to pick this up tomorrow.

Okay… so…. it’s 4:45PM and no one’s letting us go. Are they really expecting us to figure this shit out TODAY!?

It’s raining and thundering and getting dark. I can’t believe they’re just going to LEAVE US IN HERE! 

And now Juror #8’s leading a discussion on the “angle of the stab wound” like he’s seen one too many episodes of CSI: NEW YORK. 

How much do you wanna bet someone suggests we act out the murder?

Yep. Yep. Of course. Someone hide the REAL KNIVES, please!

Juror #8 volunteered to be the victim. Somebody really stab him, please, so we can all go home before AMERICAN IDOL.

Shit, Juror #3 is gonna play the “murderer.” AND they are using the switchblade. Yeah, this sounds like a good idea. FML.

Whoa, okay, so this young juror (#5, I think) has jumped in. He apparently knows how to use switchblades or something.

Interesting. Okay, so, the angle of the wound was “down and in” but Juror #5 said switchblades are only used underhanded.

Okay, that was pretty cool. Learn something new every day.

Weird, Juror #7 just suddenly switched his vote to “Not Guilty” because he’s “sick of all the talking.”

Wait - that’s the fucker who just wants to get out of here so he can make the Dodgers game. Lame! 

Juror #8 wants another show of hands. I don’t know what to do… That switchblade thing was pretty convincing. 

But if I switch now… wow, that’ll be so embarrassing. 

What do I do…?? This is harder than I thought it’d be!

I did it. I did it. I switched my vote to “Not Guilty.” 

Whoa, so did our foreman! That means there are only three hold-outs. The businessman, the stockbroker and the racist.

9 to 3. Wow. I did not see this coming.

Uh oh. Juror #10 just started ranting like an absolute maniac. 

He’s just shouted, “You know how THOSE PEOPLE lie!”  BTW, “Those people” is racist for “people who don’t live in Bel Aire.”

Bold! Juror #5 (Mr. Switchblade Expert) just got up and turned his back on Juror #10!

So did Juror #9 and Juror #11!

Juror #10’s still going, raising the bar on bigotry, and now three more jurors have stood up and turned their backs on him.

This is like an “Oh Captain, My Captain” moment here. Powerful shit.

Fuck it, I’m standing up…. right… now!

Now we’re all standing with our backs to the racist dude. Seemed like a good idea at the time, but now what? Who moves next? Awkward.

Damn, the stockbroker guy just told the racist - “Now sit down and don’t open your mouth again.” #JURYBURN!

Okay, we’re all going back to our seats. Everyone’s looking at each other like, “Did we REALLY just do that?” Wild.

So, now what? I guess we gotta convince the three hold-outs to change their votes to “Not Guilty.”

They all buy the eye-witness testimony. I mean, the woman claims she saw the murder. 

Going back over her testimony. She did say she “got a good look” at the murder…

Fuck it. I just changed my vote back to “Guilty.”  Guess we’re 8 to 4 again. 

The stockbroker’s rubbing the indentations on his nose from his glasses. Yeah, man, we all wanna get outta here. Don’t be a martyr.

Breaking News: the old juror just pointed out that the eye-witness had identical indentations. Big fucking deal, man.

Ooohhh, I get it! Maybe the eye-witness normally wears glasses but didn’t have ‘em on in court? So she’d look younger?

Seems like a stretch, right? Like, are we really gonna base this whole verdict on the theory that the witness secretly wears glasses?

On the other hand, I seriously have to pee. I’m switching my vote back to “Not Guilty.”

Whoa - the racist and the stockbroker switched their votes too!

Guess the racist douche learned that sometimes even minorities can be “not guilty”. 

WE’RE DOWN TO 11 TO 1 AGAIN!! Come on, Juror #3! WE ARE WAITING ON YOU, DUDE!

“Not Guilty! Not Guilty! Not Guilty!” 

I’m trying to start a chant, but all the other jurors are just staring at me. It’s a joke, losers. Jesus, get a life…

Juror #8 just asked the lone hold out to explain why he’s so sure the kid is guilty. Fair question.

I just said, “I’m switching my vote back to guilty again— PSYCH!” Nobody laughed. Tough room.

So, Juror #3 is pleading with us now. Begging us to send this kid to the chair. Seems a little harsh. 

Are we even supposed to discuss punishment?

Juror #3 just took out a photo of his son and started sobbing. Like SOBBING. So… embarrassing. Therapy, anyone?

I’m trapped in this man’s mental breakdown. It’s like HBO’s IN TREATMENT collided with a John Grisham novel in here.

He just dramatically tore up the photo of his son. It’s weird, most people don’t have photos anymore. It’s all digital.

So that psycho was just taking out his anger with is own son on this poor defendant. Seriously… that’s fucked up.

He just balled up his fist and, between sobs, muttered “Not Guilty. Not Guilty.”  Ugh. What is this, Oprah? Get over yourself.

Wait, that’s it! 12! We’re outta here!!!! Where’s that fucking bailiff!? UNLOCK THE DAMN DOOR!

JURY DUTY: COMPLETE!

You have just enjoyed this adaptation of Twelve Angry Men, performed by the Junior Twitter Players.  Happy Pre-April Fool’s!

31 March 2011 ·

• Tags
• Writing
• Satire